I'm Selfish

I feel I must confess, I do charitable work for selfish reasons. Now, before you get your knickers in a knot let me explain. At this point in my life, after everything that I've been through, loss, suffering, I've come to question my morals, ethics, values, I've even questioned the purpose of my life.  

You have to understand that being a writer is a very dangerous thing. When I write about the things I'm thinking it opens me up to criticism.  These blog post are a way for me to reach out to the world, because I know, without a doubt, that there are others whom have been through some of the things I've been through, that can understand my perspective, who may have thought the same things I'm thinking at this moment but are not able to put it into words as easily as I can.  

I've lost something very dear to me & I realize that I need to get it back, the relationship with my daughters. My youngest daughter recently blocked me on Facebook, & my oldest cut me off over a year ago. They are angry at me for not protecting them from their "grandmother".  While I won't admit any faults, which I know there are many,  I will say that I did the best that I could for them at the time, & I can't change the past. My oldest daughter is exactly like me though she won't admit it. She's stubborn, always has been, that's how she broke her leg when she was 2 years old. Thankfully she cut her "grandmother" out of her life years ago but suffers from P.T.S.D. from her "grandmother's" abuse. My youngest daughter isn't so lucky, she suffers from obesity from low self esteem, their "grandmother" used to make pig noises sometimes while my daughter was trying to eat. The old bitch moved to the same apartment complex as my youngest so she can continue to keep her claws in her. My advice to my daughters would be, if they would bother to talk to me, is sue the bitch before she dies! Over the years I had the chance to get my daughters alone so they could talk to me, they never said anything. They also had a Child Protective Services caseworker that they could have told they were being abused, they said nothing. They both had psychiatrist they saw, they didn't say anything there either.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming, I get it all too well. When you're that young you feel powerless. After repeated messages spread out over the course of years about certain people or events changes your own memory about those things. You question your own sanity, and judgement. I just questions my daughters' decision to make me an enemy. 

This leads me back to an internal struggle. Am I really a person worth knowing? I think that this is a question that we should all ask ourselves at certain points. While I will agree that there are people that think yes, I am a person worth knowing, but they would be biased. It's a very small category of people who have taken the time to get to the know the real me but stay around anyway.  

I guess I might be having either a mid-life crisis, and/or, a moral crisis. I look back on my life & while terrible things affected me when I was young it pales in comparison to the things I've been through as an adult. And as an adult I have to take responsibility for the things that I've done. It took me 5 years to realize that my husband at the time was a narcissist, I stayed all those years knowing the truth but I wouldn't accept it. So I've accepted the fact that I've always "needed" other people to survive. For most of my adult life I lived with someone, mostly husbands. I've been married & divorced 6 times already. So for a better part of my adult life I've been needy, some people equate that to greedy, but actually I'm very sensitive about not taking advantage of anyone. I know how it feels so I won't do that to anyone but the line I won't cross gets blurred day by day. 

Since I know there are people similar to me in 1 way or another I know you can understand. I've decided that I need to stop needing people but in order for me to wipe the slate clean I have to make some radical changes. I have to start relying on Allah alone, there will be people who won't or can't help me so I need to stop expecting them to. There will people who don't understand where I'm coming from, that's okay, not everybody has been through what I've been through & perspectives are different. So I need to do & go where I'll be happy. Where I will at least have the chance of making my life better. I'm not going to stay in the situation that I'm in just to keep someone else happy, it's not working here so I have to change it.  

I'm going to volunteer at the domestic violence shelter in the area. If I'm serious about changing anything I have to prove it by getting involved. I'm going to get involved in local politics. Our current government isn't working so I'm going to do what I can to change it on the local level. Of course I will get a job & start going to the masjid regularly but I'm also going to enroll in college next year where God willing I'll will study Creative Writing/Photography.  

Now you see me? I'm here on the bottom rung of the ladder but God willing the best is yet to come. I'm doing all of this you see to prove something to myself, that indeed yes, I am a person worth knowing. The circle of people that already know this is small but as I write I'm reaching out to make that circle larger. I know out there somewhere there's someone reading this that understands what I'm talking about. That sometimes survivors feel guilty in some form or another. We all feel guilty about things we did or said at different points in our lives, sometimes we feel guilty thinking there's more that we could have done. The fact of the matter is, that we all go through things in our lives, sometimes different things, sometimes the same things, that we are meant to go through. What's meant for us will never pass us by, & whatever isn't meant for us will never reach us. You can dwell on it or you can learn from it.  I've decided to turn my pain into purpose. 

I want so much to succeed in life, I want so much to not be ashamed of my life, & choices. I want my name "out there" so much so that those that have wronged me & my daughters would be hard pressed to ignore it. Not to prove anything to anyone else, there will always be people that will try to poo on my parade, but to myself. Because I question whether I am someone worth knowing, but I have to reach out to the world at my own pace. In order to be a writer you have to just write, again when you write about things such as personal opinions, thoughts, politics, religion, etc., a writer is subjecting themselves to criticism. While at this particular moment I may not be paid to write but writing really helps me to work things out.  I have to get it out of my head & onto something I actually can articulate into words to keep my sanity. So I have to learn to tune out the internet naysayers because I'm going to keep writing what I'm thinking, feeling, or going through, sometimes I have adventures.  

I'm sick of being so poor I can't have any adventures. I've been trying for 11 years to get back to Morocco & my friend there is growing impatient. It's such a beautiful country. Lord knows I could use a vacation. For now I'm stuck with the adventure of trying to get from here to New Mexico in 1 piece. I need Allah's help so much right now it's not funny. I'm selling my jewelry at ridiculous prices just to get rid of it, I'm also selling my bed & dining set. I can't afford to bring it with me. I feel like I'm under obligation to my Aunt & Uncle because they already helped me so much but they can't or won't help me any further. Even if they could I wouldn't accept it, I already feel like such a beggar that I don't want to ask anyone for any further help. So all I can do is my best to make it through the month of February. When March rolls around I'll get my disability check again & can use that to leave. The bottom line is I need medication. I went most of last year without it & now I have a knot in my stomach everyday. I know what I need to do but I can't get the courage to do it. The fear is paralyzing.  
Another reason I'm going to start getting involved is that I want to reach paradise. In shaa Allah any good I do in my lifetime will live on after I'm gone. I would like to leave the world a better place for my being here. I want to be on the right side of history. I want to stand up for what I believe is right. I want to prove to myself that I'm worthy to be called a Muslim, mother, daughter, sister, & friend. I want to prove to myself that not everything bad that has happened is my fault. I want to prove to myself that indeed I'm a person worth knowing. 

Conversations With A Mirror

Where are you my beloved?

Locked in a prison of my mind.

Why can't you understand how much I love you?

A whirlwind of guilt, shame, drama.

Do you hear me?

Logical fallacies dancing around like marionettes.

Why can't you see the real me?

Vision blinded by images from the past.

Belonging neither here nor there.

Constant questions.

Constant chaos.

Moments of happiness sprinkled in a few places among the pain.

Monsters in my home, monsters in my head.

Craving intimacy but contradictions.

I see myself, I see myself suffering.

Always looking inward never looking upward.

Yes, I see you but you must understand that I see myself too.

Yes, I love you but I can't chase you.

Self care is not selfish.

I must be true to myself.

I will not drag you down to the pits of hell with me.

Existence, survival, but no life.

Forever grateful for the smallest blessings.

At times feeling cursed until I remember I'm insignificant.

"I've got some imperfections but how can you collect them & throw them in my face?"

I'm here, but I will no longer wait.

Belief in Him but no belief in myself.

Trust no one, not even myself.

No sleep, but my soul is tired.

Constant battle everyday.

The truth will scare you anyway.

Conscience insanity.

Happy with others but not myself.

What is peace?

Limitless limitations.

Trying to embrace myself.

Perfect flaws.

Misunderstandings without doubt.

Unheard screams.

Silence is deafening.

Broken beyond repair.

Unworthy.

Lost innocence.

Connection lost.

Feelings illogical.

Always outside looking in.

Ugly inside & out.

Waste of time.

Feelings stuffed down back over again.

Freedom!

Break the ties that bind.

Don't care!

Fight!

Your truth, my truth.

Still human.

Tired of Being Tired

Assalam Alaikum,
I come to you today with a bad attitude. I've been trying for 2 years to sell this jewelry but nobody is buying. I advertise on EBay, YellowPages, Yelp, LetGo, Craigslist, & of course on Facebook but everyone seems to ignore me. I don't have a website because I can't afford it. But go ahead & enjoy your dinner while I starve. Go ahead scroll through Facebook while I can't keep my internet service on. Watch t.v. while I can't keep my electricity on. Please don't let me interrupt your work when I can't earn a halal income by selling jewelry. Enjoy your road trip while I can't get a new tire, an oil change, or renew my sticker. This world is full of human beings with no humanity. I'm not looking for a hand out, what I would like is a hand up by selling this jewelry.

Turning Pain Into Purpose Welcome to Baba's Closet

Assalam Alaikum,
Tonight I downloaded LetGo, I also advertised on YP.com & Yelp.com in order to raise awareness for my organization Baba's Closet. My prayer is that people will see the beautiful jewelry I have for sale so I can keep my internet & electricity on. Before I get into my current problems I'll share how I came to the point of trying to turn my pain into purpose.
I've been abused for a large portion of my life, first by my father, then by 2 husbands. My father abused me in every way. The most devastating was the sexual abuse. When I was 15 years old my step-mother caught my father molesting me. She lashed out at me hitting me then she kicked me out of the house. I stayed with  one of my Aunts (father's sister) for a while. She told me that I seduced my father & blamed me. I didn't tell anyone about the sexual abuse until 2003. Turns out he did the same thing to my half sister, she hasn't told anyone except her mother (my step-mother), our brother, & me. I married my first husband Blake right after high school. Looking back I see that I married him in order to get away from my father. He beat me for 9 years before I got the courage to leave him. He died in 2001 from an overdose. All of that pales in comparison to my last husband who is a narcissist.
The first time I married him in 2002 he loved me so very much. He would have died before doing anything to hurt me. Unfortunately I messed it up by cheating on him. When we reconnected in 2008 he proposed that we remarry because he was so happy  I became a Muslim. I agreed because I thought that things would be even better than before because this time we shared a mutual faith, boy was I ever wrong. There's too much to explain when it come to narcissism so if you need more information I suggest you research it but I can tell you what he did to me during the 5 year marriage & then 2 more years of attempting to destroy me mentally & use me. Four months after we got married he cheated on me with my so called "best friend", she got pregnant. When he started to sleep with other women he stopped sleeping with me but refused to divorce me or leave me. He didn't always hit me but he lied all the time, gaslighted me, cheated on me, even going so far as moving his girlfriend into our home while I was away taking care of my family because my Aunt had breast cancer. He lied about the paternity of my former "best friend's" son until the child was 4 months old. He lied about when he would go see both my former "best friend" & his son, & he would lie about where he was staying while he was there. He would lie in her bed with her telling her that he loved her & he was going to divorce me so they could be a family. He never asked me for a divorce, for 2 years we argued about his relationship with my former "best friend", finally she got sick of his shit & broke up with him. I thought hamdullah, now he will try to repair our marriage, yeah, that never happened. December 2012 I went to Ft. Worth to help my family because my Aunt had breast cancer. My Aunt at that time was taking care of both my Grandmother, & my Mom so I needed to do whatever I could to help carry the load. After being at my Mom's for a couple of days he hadn't called me so I decided to call him, he was being more of an ass than usual so I decided to return home without informing him I'm coming. When I got home his new girlfriends clothes were on my dining room table, & her personal hygiene products were in my bathroom. Instead of fighting I decided just to leave. By the time I divorced him June 2013 she was already pregnant. After I completed the divorce I tried to get far away from my ex-narc husband by moving all the way to Baltimore. Even though we were divorced I remained friends with him & his family on Facebook. For a while things were difficult in Baltimore, I even went to Al Nisa which is a shelter for Muslim women. By the time I was finally starting to get my life together my ex-narc's sister sent me a message saying they had been attempting to contact him for several days but there was no answer, he wasn't calling back, & his voicemail was full. I knew that he wouldn't go that long without talking to his mother but neither I nor they knew how to get in contact with any of his friends in Austin. After thinking about the possibilities of reasons why he wouldn't call his mother I decided to look online to see if he was in jail. Sure enough he had been arrested for shooting inside of an Indian restaurant. His family begged me to go back to Austin to see what I could do to help him so as soon as I got paid I went back. He was in jail approximately 6 months. While he was in jail I took care of everything for him, I made sure his bills got paid, I cleaned his apartment which was left in a mess by S.W.A.T., I put money into his jail accounts so he could call people & eat something other than the food in the jail cafeteria, I spoke to his attorney frequently, but most of all I made sure he got to talk to his family in Pakistan. Despite of everything I did for him when he got out of jail in April 2014 he declared that he had no intention of remarrying me but I could stay with him. Since I didn't have anywhere else to stay I stayed. That summer my former "best friend" came with her 2 sons so that the ex-narc could see his son. I slept in his bed because she & the boys took over my bed. He embarrassed the hell out of me one day by declaring in front of her that he didn't want me sleeping in his bed. He went back to jail November 2014 due to him owning 3 gambling rooms, gambling is illegal in Texas. This time S.W.A.T. showed up to the apartment while I was there. I was asleep when I heard banging on the door, I thought it was him banging on the door because I had locked the top lock so he couldn't get in. As I sleepily headed towards the door, reached for the handle, they had already opened the door & gently grabbed my wrist to pull me outside. It wasn't until I was outside & hit with the cold air did I realize what was going on, & heard the truck outside over the loud speaker "Attention apartment #7303 this is the police, we have a warrant to search the apartment open the door or we'll bust it down". After warning him for months about spending too much time at the gambling rooms, & not leaving the money from the gambling rooms in the apartment he had been busted & all I could say was "You idiot!" He stayed in jail approximately a month, during that time I had to move out of the apartment, put most of our stuff in storage, move around from hotel room to hotel room, & I even got arrested myself over some tickets that he told me he had already took care of. I got sick from being in the cold rain while I moved out of the apartment. Again after he got out of jail he declared he had no intention of remarrying me so after everything this man had put me through I was angry. He convinced me to stay with him after he got out just so he could use me. He couldn't get an apartment in his name because he owed 4 different apartment complexes money for breaking the lease. So his uncle co-signed for us to get an apartment because I didn't make enough money to qualify for an apartment. We moved into a 1 bedroom apartment, immediately he took the bedroom since he had the only bed, I was left to sleep on the sleeper sofa in the living room. He reopened his gambling rooms, went back to sleeping with other women, lying to me, & trying to run things just because he paid the rent. In April of 2015 I decided to have surgery, I tried to impress on him how I would need him to help me out after I had the surgery, but narcissist are never there for you. The morning of my surgery he wasn't home so I had to drive myself. The next day when I was released he picked me up from the hospital, picked up my prescriptions, bought me soup, then disappeared. I never bothered him when he wasn't at home because I had learned a long time ago it's a waste of time so I didn't hear from him until he showed up to take a shower & change his clothes so he could go see his new girlfriend. Before he left he had the nerve to threaten me by telling me "Don't cross me". Of course I objected to being threatened in my home right after I had surgery, so, yes I yelled at him. Two days later I had reached my limit after looking on Facebook to see him in the profile picture with his new girlfriend on her Facebook profile. Seven years was too long as far as taking his abuse. I got a cab to go to the hospital to get my car, I put a lock on our storage room door that he didn't have the key to, when I got home I got the jack from my car & took some of his money that he had hidden from under the bed. Even though I wasn't supposed to drive I had no choice because he had decided that his gambling rooms & new girlfriend were more important. I dropped off my prescription & as I was exiting from Wal-Mart to get some more soup he sent me a text message asking if I was still upset because he wasn't, I didn't respond but knew I had to hurry up & get home before he did. When I reached the apartment I heated up some soup, took my pain medication & tried to sleep. Of course he showed up later banging on the door because he couldn't get in, I ignored him so he eventually went away. The next day he repeatedly tried to call & text me but I ended up turning off my phone. A couple of days later he showed up to the apartment causing drama, he was crying about how he needed to get into the apartment so he could get his insulin, he even got his mother in Pakistan on the phone to try to convince me to let him in, but I wasn't going to let him back into the apartment or my life, I was done. I took all of his medications to him in the parking lot, & he complained that he spent the night in his truck because he didn't have any money for a hotel room & he had no where else to stay so I gave him some of the money that I took from him. He then started to freak out saying that his "business partner" was going to kill him so before that could happen he was going to commit suicide. He eventually left so I called the police only because he had threatened to commit suicide. He came back after the police had already arrived, he of course lied & told them he had never threatened to commit suicide. The police informed me that even though he wasn't on the lease I couldn't bar him entry into the apartment since his belongings were inside & he had a key to the door but I convinced the police that I was afraid of him because he had threatened me the last time I saw him & he was abusive. The police let him take his belongings out of the apartment, I let him come back a couple of days later to gather more things but that was the last time I ever let him back into the apartment. I got maintenance to change the locks so he couldn't get back into the apartment but he used the spare key to my car to break into it looking for more of his money. He of course made threats after that but after a few days I finally blocked him from calling me, he also sent other people to call me so they could threaten me.
I hope that you can understand that after that abusive relationship I'm still scarred. I have P.T.S.D. mainly because of him. I believe that I may have some brain damage due to years of abuse but not only from him. In 2014 he had bought a whole lot of jewelry, gave it to me in order for me to sell. I decided instead of trying to earn money for just myself I would use it to turn my pain into purpose. There are many people all over this country that go thru the very same things that I've been through. As you may know there are many domestic violence shelters across the country but often they are filled to capacity, the demand far exceeds the supply. My long term goal is to purchase a 2 story house, renovate it to suit the needs of women & their children escaping domestic violence. Because of my P.T.S.D. it's impossible for me to hold down a job. I have some very bad days & sometimes days that aren't so bad. I do get a disability check but it's only enough to cover the rent. I only get $41 in Food Stamps every month. At this point in time I'm just trying to keep my electricity on, I had to get a prepaid service but soon the $50 I already paid will run out soon. I'm also trying to keep my internet on so that I can look for work or just keep in contact with online contacts. If you're interested please give me a like on my Facebook page Baba Tahir's Closet, if not please contact me thru YP.com, or Yelp.com to help me realize my dreams. The pictures you see with this post is me on an occasion when he hit me so hard he gave me a concussion, & pictures of the destruction S.W.A.T. left behind for me to clean up in his apartment when he was arrested for shooting in the Indian restaurant.