This blog is going to be dedicated to my Mano. The story of her began in 2010 when I saw her walking towards me on the sidewalk. Even though I tried to take her home with me right away, seeing no collar, but she ran off. The next night I walked outside my front door & there she was sitting on the concrete steps leading to the car port. She has been with me for the better part of 7 years. Mano hates car rides but I've taken her all the way to Baltimore, Ft. Worth, & Austin. She got kinda anxious on the way back from Baltimore but she does okay going to Ft. Worth & Austin. Well, she's really going to hate me later on this year. In shaa Allah, I'm going to Morocco in September, & yup, she's coming with me. And no, I'm not talking about in the luggage department, I'm going to get her registered as an Emotional Service Animal so that the airline will permit her in the cabin with me. Travelling is hard enough on me, I imagine I will have to take her to the vet to get her some kind of tranquilizer. The hardest parts for me is the take off & landings, once we get in the air I'm fine, except for trying to get my ears to pop. I really feel bad for putting her through it but right now I don't see another way around it. She's not only my responsibility, she's my fur baby, besides there's no one to leave her with. Once we arrive she'll pout for a while until she gets familiar with the place & gets hungry. The longest part of the journey will be hard for her because she will start getting anxious & want to move around. I'll bring her bed with me so she can at least either lie on my lap or in between my feet once we get settled in. In honor of my poor baby I'm going to name my traveling blog The Cat Traveler, or should it be The Travelling Cat? My first entry will be the flight to Morocco.
I can tell you 1 thing, I won't be wearing hijab to board my flights. It's bad enough I have a Muslim name. Trump is keeping everyone out with a Muslim name American or not. That's why in addition to getting Mano medicine, a rabies shot, & traveling gear I will have to make sure my non-profit is registered. Since I'm planning on staying until the middle of January I'm going to try to arrange to teach English while I'm there. Hamdullah, I'll have my disability check still coming but I still have to pay bills at home while I'm gone.
When I come back home in January I'll register for school. I'm going to study Creative Writing & Photography. I'm hoping I can find a program that will pay for everything. I would like to be a Travel Writer/Photography, that way I'm not with anyone person for long periods of time, less likely I'll piss them off. I love traveling, the best are road trips where you can stop along the way, it's a different adventure every time.
That's how I try to treat life, as an adventure. Unfortunately when you're poor there's limited opportunities for adventures. I have to have the kind of opportunity to stay home & work if I feel like it or pick an adventure to go on. We're the sum of our experiences, my experience thus far has led me to the conclusion that I don't need to be around people on a continuous basis & I feel better when I write. It helps me work out all the thoughts rattling around my brain, I've been writing off & on since I was a teenager, but I think it's time to get that sheepskin.
I'm going to go ask Social Security for 100% disability. I know this couldn't come at a worse time with Trump being in office but I have faith that he won't be there for long. I've decided to continue driving for Uber/Lyft because if I get a normal job they'll cut off my state benefits. The state picks up the tab for my Medicare, if I lose that I'm in trouble. I know it's tearing up my car but I really don't have a choice. My disability check is just enough to get by, only because from now on I'll be splitting the bills with my cousin. The whole reason I'm moving is because I can't afford to live alone. My lights & internet were getting cut off all the time, there were days I was hungry.
My plan is to go back to Morocco, come back to go to school, then go back to Morocco every summer from then on. Meanwhile in New Mexico I'll get involved with local politics, a masjid, the local domestic violence shelter, work, & go to school. I'm even trying to get signed up to put an advertising wrap on my car. I'm going to need a lot of money to go to Morocco even though I found really cheap tickets.
I need to be in a place where I can afford not to work if I don't want to but can still save up some money for a few months to do something adventurous. I want to get back into camping & hiking again. I need to interact with the world on my own terms instead of being confined to social norms. I'm not normal, I have Boderline Personality Disorder, it affects my ability to have "normal" relationships. The more that I'm forced to interact with the same people on a continuous basis the more likely I'll do or say something to piss them off. I don't mean to do it, it's just I start having feelings of being overwhelmed then I lash out irrationally. I try to control it by backing away from the people or situations that make me feel that way but bosses don't understand when you call & say you can't come to work because you don't "feel" well repeatedly. People in my life have been guilty of pushing my limits, I've lost many important relationships in my life. It's as if the noise of other peoples' lives gets to me & I have to back off for a while, but some people push, especially employers.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Friday, February 3, 2017
I've Had Enough
Well, the situation with my Aunt & Uncle just blew up in my face. Yesterday my Uncle called the apartment manager, she lied to him telling him that she had just seen me in the office earlier in the afternoon, so now they think I'ma liar. I was trying to do the right thing, buying out of the lease so that it wouldn't affect my Aunt's credit score but now I don't care! This isn't the first time they have doubted my intentions, before I married my last husband my Uncle flat out told me that unless I could prove to him I wasn't trying to take advantage of my mother that he wasn't going to take my Aunt or Mom to my wedding. So, I've decided to cut them out of my life, I've blocked them from calling me & I won't ever again go to Ft. Worth. I don't have time to waste on people who don't understand, respect, accept & lift me up.
See the problem with my Aunt & Uncle is that they think like all Republicans do which is mental illness isn't a real handicap so I need to get off my lazy butt & go to work. It's a possibility that I may be lazy but not likely. My father taught us kids our work ethic "you don't work, you don't eat" & I believed it for many years, which is why I spent many years getting jobs & then quitting them quickly. I quit my jobs because I can't deal with other people's bullshit. I would rather go to a store late at night so I don't have to run into crowds, I don't like feeling crowded. After a short while I get sick of seeing the same faces everyday, I get tired of being told when to come into work, I get tired of being told when to take a break, & I get tired of being told when I can leave. I don't know what it is, something just snaps to the point where I feel like if I have to go to work I would rather kill myself.
I have to do something that I enjoy doing, I enjoy travelling & writing. I have to interact the world on my own terms so I don't get that nauseous feeling in my stomach that signals the fight or flight response. I feel that if I can hone my writing & photography skills then I could actually make money doing something that I enjoy. As you know they say that if you do something you love you will never have to work a day in your life. I've always enjoyed writing, it's among the few things that actually keep me somewhat sane. The rub is that I'll have to have some kind of training to make money as a Travel Writer/Photographer. No one will take me seriously unless I have some kind of sheepskin.
Being a writer is easy, just write, but no one pays attention to you unless you have that sheepskin. No one takes you seriously unless you do the research that will support your opinions. No one takes you seriously unless you've written something that they have actually read.
Needless to say the apartment manager is going to get an earful tomorrow. Since I was told by her boss that they can't negotiate with me since I don't actually hold the lease she's going to have to do it for me. She had no business commenting about my personal life, that's not in her job description as the apartment complex manager. She knows nothing about my personal life because I don't discuss it with her. She made a bad situation worse. See, the 1 truth that I know about myself is that it's better for me to keep my mouth shut when I'm upset because most likely I'll say something stupid that will ruin everything. That's why I didn't call my Uncle earlier to talk to him about what's going on, now I won't speak to him ever again. Him repeatedly calling me isn't going to help, I'm done.
See the problem with my Aunt & Uncle is that they think like all Republicans do which is mental illness isn't a real handicap so I need to get off my lazy butt & go to work. It's a possibility that I may be lazy but not likely. My father taught us kids our work ethic "you don't work, you don't eat" & I believed it for many years, which is why I spent many years getting jobs & then quitting them quickly. I quit my jobs because I can't deal with other people's bullshit. I would rather go to a store late at night so I don't have to run into crowds, I don't like feeling crowded. After a short while I get sick of seeing the same faces everyday, I get tired of being told when to come into work, I get tired of being told when to take a break, & I get tired of being told when I can leave. I don't know what it is, something just snaps to the point where I feel like if I have to go to work I would rather kill myself.
I have to do something that I enjoy doing, I enjoy travelling & writing. I have to interact the world on my own terms so I don't get that nauseous feeling in my stomach that signals the fight or flight response. I feel that if I can hone my writing & photography skills then I could actually make money doing something that I enjoy. As you know they say that if you do something you love you will never have to work a day in your life. I've always enjoyed writing, it's among the few things that actually keep me somewhat sane. The rub is that I'll have to have some kind of training to make money as a Travel Writer/Photographer. No one will take me seriously unless I have some kind of sheepskin.
Being a writer is easy, just write, but no one pays attention to you unless you have that sheepskin. No one takes you seriously unless you do the research that will support your opinions. No one takes you seriously unless you've written something that they have actually read.
Needless to say the apartment manager is going to get an earful tomorrow. Since I was told by her boss that they can't negotiate with me since I don't actually hold the lease she's going to have to do it for me. She had no business commenting about my personal life, that's not in her job description as the apartment complex manager. She knows nothing about my personal life because I don't discuss it with her. She made a bad situation worse. See, the 1 truth that I know about myself is that it's better for me to keep my mouth shut when I'm upset because most likely I'll say something stupid that will ruin everything. That's why I didn't call my Uncle earlier to talk to him about what's going on, now I won't speak to him ever again. Him repeatedly calling me isn't going to help, I'm done.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Bad Day
Today I was reminded of all the reasons I want to leave Texas! I've lived in some part of Texas since I was 9 years old. I moved to Austin in 1997, I've seen the city change & not for the better. A lot of the apartment complexes I used to live in on the South side of Austin have been replaced with condos, cafes, & small stores. Traffic went from bad to worse over the years. An influx of people moving to Austin has made IH-35 a practical non-stop traffic jam, & there are always accidents.
I hate the fact that Texas is full of "good ol' boy" Republicans. Men whom are rich & pass policies based on the need of their pocketbooks rather than the general public's needs. I find their form of conservatism to be lacking in simple humanity. They pass laws contrary to the welfare of the people, & are slow to pass laws that would actually lift the burden off the poor a little. Currently the female Police Chief is fighting with the governor Greg Abbott. She's directing the Austin Police Department not to ask questions about a persons' immigration status, & she doesn't want people to be incarcerated just because they're "illegal". Abbott is threatening to cut funding not only to the police department but the courts also. He also cut funding to Planned Parenthood. But this pales in comparison to my own issues.
On 1 occasion when I was waiting to be admitted to Shoal Creek Hospital, looney bin, the doctor that was interviewing me flat out told me "Texas is 49th in the United States for mental health care". That was years ago, & let me tell you it has gotten much, much, worse. I went to Psychiatric Emergency Services today, used to be back in the 90's & early 2000 that name was as it suggest, if you were having a total meltdown you could go there & they would hook you up with what you needed, today I was there, people waiting to be seen said that this was their second or fourth day returning to try to get medication. By the time I got to talk to anyone as to the reason I was there I was told "the doctor is done for the day". Before I got Medicare, the way I got mental health services was to go to the hospital, you would walk out with a prescription with 2 refills, & numbers to call once you got home for follow up services. They even had a regular doctor that would help out with any non-mental ailments. Brakenridge Hospital built a whole psychiatric floor, it's basically decoration, I've been there twice, the doctors won't give you any medication. The State of Texas doesn't consider mental illness as a real handicap so they do everything to hinder people getting help. Which it costs them more in the end because then these people start going to the hospital even though they can't afford it.
After that fiasco I went to the store to buy some snacks to take to my friend's place thinking I got my food stamps today, wrong. They cut off all my benefits which means $104 will be taken out of my check for Medicare. That's money that I can't afford to lose all because I worked for Pizza Hut for 4 days, unreal. That puts me further back as far as buying out of the lease. Well, all I can do is my best & pray. Hamdullah, my dad has offered to send me money, & I'm going to sell a gun left behind by my narc ex-husband. I will lower the prices on my jewelry again as only 1 person has offered to buy anything from me, & I will attempt to sell my bed & dining set. I really don't want to drag this stuff with me because I can't afford the storage fees. I need to lower my expenses. I will never work again unless I can find something off the books, I'm going to file for a re-determination of my disability check, I'm also going to continue writing while going to school & volunteering. Tomorrow I'm calling the boss of the apartment complex's manager to see if they will have some mercy on me & lower the penalties of buy out of the lease by $200.
I hate the fact that Texas is full of "good ol' boy" Republicans. Men whom are rich & pass policies based on the need of their pocketbooks rather than the general public's needs. I find their form of conservatism to be lacking in simple humanity. They pass laws contrary to the welfare of the people, & are slow to pass laws that would actually lift the burden off the poor a little. Currently the female Police Chief is fighting with the governor Greg Abbott. She's directing the Austin Police Department not to ask questions about a persons' immigration status, & she doesn't want people to be incarcerated just because they're "illegal". Abbott is threatening to cut funding not only to the police department but the courts also. He also cut funding to Planned Parenthood. But this pales in comparison to my own issues.
On 1 occasion when I was waiting to be admitted to Shoal Creek Hospital, looney bin, the doctor that was interviewing me flat out told me "Texas is 49th in the United States for mental health care". That was years ago, & let me tell you it has gotten much, much, worse. I went to Psychiatric Emergency Services today, used to be back in the 90's & early 2000 that name was as it suggest, if you were having a total meltdown you could go there & they would hook you up with what you needed, today I was there, people waiting to be seen said that this was their second or fourth day returning to try to get medication. By the time I got to talk to anyone as to the reason I was there I was told "the doctor is done for the day". Before I got Medicare, the way I got mental health services was to go to the hospital, you would walk out with a prescription with 2 refills, & numbers to call once you got home for follow up services. They even had a regular doctor that would help out with any non-mental ailments. Brakenridge Hospital built a whole psychiatric floor, it's basically decoration, I've been there twice, the doctors won't give you any medication. The State of Texas doesn't consider mental illness as a real handicap so they do everything to hinder people getting help. Which it costs them more in the end because then these people start going to the hospital even though they can't afford it.
After that fiasco I went to the store to buy some snacks to take to my friend's place thinking I got my food stamps today, wrong. They cut off all my benefits which means $104 will be taken out of my check for Medicare. That's money that I can't afford to lose all because I worked for Pizza Hut for 4 days, unreal. That puts me further back as far as buying out of the lease. Well, all I can do is my best & pray. Hamdullah, my dad has offered to send me money, & I'm going to sell a gun left behind by my narc ex-husband. I will lower the prices on my jewelry again as only 1 person has offered to buy anything from me, & I will attempt to sell my bed & dining set. I really don't want to drag this stuff with me because I can't afford the storage fees. I need to lower my expenses. I will never work again unless I can find something off the books, I'm going to file for a re-determination of my disability check, I'm also going to continue writing while going to school & volunteering. Tomorrow I'm calling the boss of the apartment complex's manager to see if they will have some mercy on me & lower the penalties of buy out of the lease by $200.
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