La Vita Bella

It seems to me that my whole life has been filled with horror, pain, & sorrow. It has caused me not to like people very much. I don't have very many friends & my family members seem to have no trouble disappearing from my life. Either I piss them off or they piss me off. My whole adult life I've had trouble holding on to relationships. Not even the daughters that I gave birth to seem interested in getting to know me. I can't describe what it is that causes people to drop out. What I mean by that is that I know I have some mental issues, but that doesn't mean that I'm incapable of having a positive contribution on the people in my life. I know that even though I may be different than a lot of people, there are others out there just like me. It's not good for any human being to feel like they're alone, different, misunderstood, this leads to suicide.
As for me I've discovered that it's better for me not to hang around the same people for extended periods of time. Sooner or later things blow up in my face. I would like to treat life like an adventure but unfortunately poverty puts a big cramp on any adventures. I would rather be in a car alone, jamming out to music, while keeping an eye out for any interesting things along the way. I would rather climb the top of these mountains alone than deal with any drama a relationship might bring. I want adventures not drama. People bring drama, because we all have our sets of values, morals, beliefs, baggage, & bias. 
It's very hard to find those people willing to deal with our own set of quirks. Sometimes people aren't meant to stay in our lives forever, some come into our lives just for a period of time, then when the lesson you were supposed to learn is over, they leave. Every relationship has something to teach us about love, even if the lesson is that that's not the correct way to love someone. It's all up to us whom we allow in our lives & for how long. 
I have bad days & some days that aren't so bad, yesterday was a bad day, & since this day just started it's hard to know how the rest of the day will go. Even though my name is Patience, I don't have any. I've been alive for 46 years & to me it doesn't seem to be getting any better. There are days when I often think about suicide because I feel like I'm a burden to others, & there's no way for me to make a positive contribution. I don't see life getting any better for me. Half of my life is over & I've lost that half to the drama. Often it will seem that no one will give me the time to achieve anything. One of the reasons I want to be a writer is that I can work on my own schedule while not being bothered. 
When a writer has the words swirling around in their heads they need peace & quiet to make sure those ideas get written down. Then there are periods when a writer will have writers block so either they will try to find something to inspire them or they will use the opportunity to spend that time with the people most important to them. These mountains inspire me but then I have to come home to another person with their own thoughts, ideas, baggage, & bias. 
It's possible that I'm blowing the argument I had with my cousin yesterday out of proportion, or it spells my doom. My cousin voiced his concerns over the use of his limited resources. I knew that this month would be hard because I would be spending what little money I had to move here but for him to point out the obvious makes me feel like a burden. 
I would like to be able to have the freedom of sitting in my room typing away without worrying about what I'm consuming.  I would like to take a trip every 3 months so that I could write about my adventures but for that I would need a sponsor, I can't afford it. I would like to get paid for writing but that goal is a long way off. I won't be able to go to school until next year because you have to be a resident of the county for 6 months & the state for a year before you won't be considered an out of state student. In the meantime I can keep writing just to practice since I won't get paid for anything I write. I have dreams but they all seem unattainable at the moment. 
I don't want anyone in my life who doesn't want to be there & I'm not going to beg anyone to stay in my life but I also don't want to be lonely. I don't like too many people but I've lost many important relationships. I've never imagined growing old, I always feel like something or someone is missing from my life. I keep searching for the balance in my life but it seems I'm never meant to have it. 

Adventures in New Mexico

Mano & I left Killeen Monday morning, today is Friday. It was windy the whole way here. Mano did well except for the last part of the journey. Apart from the windmills along the way the journey was not very scenic. I didn't arrive in Los Alamos until almost midnight so I missed the Rocky Mountains until the next day. Mano seems to have settled in nicely. It's so beautiful here but I've had issues dealing with the altitude. Even though I got the staples out of my head Tuesday my head will often be under pressure. The pressure on my lungs is hard too. I've been spending my days cleaning. There was a 12 year old boy sleeping in the room I now occupy but there's not enough room for both of us in here. The boxes I brought with me were used to pack his things into. There's still more but it will have to wait until Monday when we will go to Albuquerque to pick up those 5 boxes I shipped. Preston's ex Loren just left everything here. I'm grateful that there's a bed & dresser here. I will also have my own bathroom, once I clean it out. I've already taken steps to get established here. My car isn't totally emptied out yet but really there's no hurry. I won't be able to go anywhere in my car until next month. I used every penny I had to move here, probably more than that. Luckily Preston is hooking me up with the same resources he uses. Everything seems to be going well between my cousin & I, I hope it stays that way. Preston's case worker is doing a background check on me, I'm pretty sure everything will turn out fine. When everything does turn out find then his daughter will start spending time here because I'll be trusted alone with her. Loren has gotten herself into more trouble so unless she turns it around real soon she will lose custody of both of her children. I hope this works out for both Preston & myself, I would love to have a second chance to be a mommy. My phone doesn't work out here & the memory was full so it deleted some programs, I haven't talked to Mourad since I've been here & WhatsApp was 1 of the things deleted so now I can't sign in because there's no signal. I think that maybe it's not a good idea for me to go to Morocco right now. I don't know how things are going to work out with driving in Santa Fe for Lyft. It might not be worth the time, gas money or the wear & tear on my car. Mano does come into my room, sometimes she'll sleep on the bed. I miss Shallen, I haven't talked to her too much since I've been here either. I would like to go for a long walk but I'm afraid that my lungs wouldn't be able to take it. There are 2 mountain ranges here I can't remember the name of 1 but the other is the Rocky Mountains. Preston says that there was a big fire on the mountains in 2012 & they're still recovering so that's the reason there's not many trees. I finally brought in my bathroom bag with my medication so I'll be able to get some rest tonight, hopefully. I've been waking up with heartburn every night.